The List.

I muted the television.
I closed my eyes and let my face rest on the couch cushion.
I couldn't help it.
The sound coming from the room down the hall was so peaceful; it gave me such rest.

That room is usually a room filled with laughter, yelling, the clanging of toys and the chatter of some electronic device.

Not right now.
Not tonight.

Tonight the only sound resonating down the hall into my heart was the soft, sweet whisper of a man praying over his children.

I went to the bathroom and wiped the tears making my blush smudge.
Why was I so emotional about this? 
It was just a typical bed time prayer.

I hadn't realized that the last memory I had of a bed time prayer was my own; my mother's face hovering over my curly locks, whispering songs to the the Maker.

I remember making a list when I was 12 of all the things I wanted to find in a mate one day (a sunday school teacher's idea, mind you).

Number one?
A man who will hover over my hair like my mother did, making music to Jesus with his prayers.

I got older.
I forgot about the list.

I dated.
I forgot about the list.

I even married.
I forgot about the list.

One day, visiting my parent's church, I looked over to my father as the acoustic guitar made the words of worship dance across the pews like pretty ballerinas.

His hands were open like cups waiting to be filled, lips still and quiet, face at peace and a tear leaped from his eyes.
I followed the tear as it reached his mouth, which now formed a slight smile.

Wow.
That's a memory.
Watching my father worship while my mother sang sweetly by his side, one hand resting on his back.

I wanted that.

In that moment, I remembered the list.
Oh, that damned list!

My soul wept.
My heart was broken.

Through a lot of mistakes, sleepless nights, heart ache, change, growth, pain, Grace, mercy, forgiveness...God threw me on His back, tucked the list into my back pocket and led me to that moment.

I wiped the tears and started laughing.
Just...laughing.
Laughing because of complete and total joy.

This man down the hall was my husband.

He prays for me as I drift to sleep.
He prays for me as he leaves for work.

He hovers over my hair, singing songs to the Maker on my behalf.
He cups his hands to be filled as I lay my head on his shoulder, swaying to the praise of the third Partner in our marriage.

I really screwed up at one point.

God still remembered the list.
He kept it for me, even knowing what would come of me after I wrote it.

You can take what you want from this blog, today.

For me, I would like you to take that God remembers your list.
Whatever your list may be.

Maybe you shot up in your bathroom this morning.

Maybe you got really wasted last weekend.

Maybe your marriage is seriously on the rocks right now.

So what?

At a moment in your life, you made a list, physically or mentally, of a dream.

You may have set the list on fire, ripped it, shredded it, done everything possible to destroy it.

But, God taped it back together for you.

He's holding it out for you.
Sure, it looks a little dirty right now, but He saved it for the day you'd want to read it again.

Take the list back.

I did.

Hunger.

hun·ger

noun

1. 1.

   a feeling of discomfort or weakness caused by lack of food, coupled with the desire to eat.

   
   

verb

1. 1.

   have a strong desire or craving for.

   
   

   
   

   
   

   
   

   Lately God has really been changing Britney. 

   I am currently under serious construction. 

   
   

   A couple of semesters ago I took a pottery class. 

   Even though I absolutely hated it, I feel like I'm in the shop all over again.

   
   

   Here's the catch-this time I'm the clay.

   
   

   I'm getting smacked, prodded, built up then melted down again.

   2013 really put me through the fire.

   
   

   I thought I was a pretty, polished piece.

   God didn't think so.

   He put me in the furnace, melted me down to a moldable mound of left over clay.

   
   

   Now that He's got me where He wants me, He is carving me, shaving off all the unneeded/unwanted pieces that do not reflect the vision of His finished work.

   
   

   Now, to the point-

   
   

   
   

   I love food.

   I mean, who doesn't?

   
   

   I'm the kind of gal that starts thinking about her next meal before she's even done eating the one in front of her.

   
   

   I am hungry all the time.

   No really, all the time.

   
   

   God shook me recently at a strange time (He likes to do that to me to keep things interesting).

   
   

   I was rummaging between the cabinet and the fridge, in a desperate search for something to fill my hunger.

   
   

   "I wish you would rummage so passionately in hunger for Me like you are in your pantry right now."

   
   

   Of course He got my typical response of a raised eyebrow and a shake of the head.

   I tend to shake God off a lot until He starts really pestering.

   
   

   As I made my plate of all my favorite morsels, God spoke up again right when I was about to enjoy that first bite.

   
   

   "You know I am all you need, right? I'm the most satisfying thing you will ever taste. Aren't you hungry? Really, hungry. The kind of hungry that food can not satisfy."

   
   

   My hand dropped. 

   My heart sunk.

   
   

   He was right, again.

   
   

   I was not hungry for Him, not like I was for food or so many other things of this world.

   I had never felt weak from being so desperate to taste what He had to offer.

   
   

   Though God's goal wasn't for me to feel guilty, I did.

   
   

   I did want to be that kind of desperate.

   I did.

   I was designed to want Him like that.

   
   

   I wanted to be hungry for His peace.

   I wanted to be hungry for His direction.

   I wanted to be hungry for His words.

   I wanted to be so desperate for Him, that I would rummage through the Gospel just to have another bite.

   
   

   
   

   Food is good; God made it that way.

   He doesn't want us to eat cardboard or styrofoam for lunch.

   Food is a delight, undoubtedly a pleasure.

   
   

   Food is also a distraction, an escape, an abused substance, a replacement for something that we no longer recognize as a lack- His presence.

   
   

   Fasting is often abused and misused as a diet, a fad, just something you do because you're told to.

   
   

   For me, it is an act of obedience so that I might learn to be so desperate for Him that food is just...food.

   
   

   God is my Portion.

   Fasting reveals that. 

   
   

   I never used to understand why people would fast. Granted, I'm not the kind of Christian that gives up food for 40 days.

   
   

   Heck no.

   
   

   But, why can't I sacrifice a meal in the evening to spend time with the true Satisfier of my hunger?

   
   

   You can be hungry for many things.

   You may fill your empty stomach for a short time, but you will always be hungry.

   
   

   Nothing you ever eat, feel, experience, see, no successes or amount of cash will satisfy you like the Bread.

   
   

   Do you have to fast?

   No.

   
   

   But, what are you rummaging through life's pantry for?

   
   

   If it's not Jesus, you're missing it.

   
   

   Put whatever it is down.

   
   

   Fill your belly with His goodness.

   
   

   Let Him be your Portion.

   
   

   
   

   1 Peter 2:2

   "..like newborn babies, long for the pure milk of the word, so that by it you may grow in respect to salvation,.."

   
   

   Psalms 81:10

   "I, the LORD, am your God, Who brought you up from the land of Egypt; Open your mouth wide and I will fill it."

   
   

   Matthew 5:6

   "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied."

   John 6:33-35

   "For the bread of God is that which comes down out of heaven, and gives life to the world." Then they said to Him, "Lord, always give us this bread." Jesus said to them, "I am the bread of life; he who comes to Me will not hunger, and he who believes in Me will never thirst."

   Psalms 63:1

   "O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly; My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You, In a dry and weary land where there is no water."

   John 7:37

   "Now on the last day, the great day of the feast, Jesus stood and cried out, saying, "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to Me and drink."

   John 6:35

   "Jesus said to them, "I am the bread of life; he who comes to Me will not hunger, and he who believes in Me will never thirst."

   
   
   
   
   
   
   

   
   

   
   

   
   

   
   

   
   

   
   

   
   

   
   

   
   

Simplify and Get Over Yourself

To simplify something is to make it less complex and easier to understand.

When you simplify, you make things clearer.

Since simple things have less parts or complexity, when you simplify, you're eliminating the clutter and reducing something to its essence.

This year God has laid the word "Simplify" onto my heart.

When New Years rolls around, our televisions are lit up with weight loss fads, our newsfeeds are filled with financial plans, our entire January filled with hopeful life goals.

"I want to lose weight."
"I want to buy a house."
"I want to stop smoking."

These are all great, but while many of my peers are jumping into a large pool of resolutions I am wading in the shallow end of life's simplicities.

This year I will be still.
This year I will listen more than speak.
This year I will glide not gloat.
This year I will worry about my expanding influence on others, not my shrinking waist line.
This year I will shy from spotlights and aim to honor others in their successes.

I will simplify by stripping myself of "me me me" and putting on the cloak of "not me, but You."

I do not need a number on the scale, a new wardrobe, a new job, a new financial plan, a new house, a new car, a new "me."

What I need is to get over myself this year.

Seriously.

Do I want my year to end with only a new body to show?
Or more money in my pocket?

I want my year to end with a heart empty from pouring out all the muck of me, left in a simple and pure state.

This year I will donate clothes, not buy them.
This year I will be concerned with the food I serve to others, not to my already full belly.
This year I will trade pedicures for washing another's feet.
This year I will de-clutter my mind, my spirit, my closet of all the fleshly things I tend to grasp onto all too tightly.

I possess a lot of things emotionally and physically that are only taking up space.

Those shoes that I never wear, but a girl on the street would love to have.

That bitterness that isn't making enough room for all the love my heart could hold.

May I end 2014 with less of myself than when it began.


Sometimes, less is more.

Sometimes, you just need to simplify.

Sometimes you need to get the heck over yourself.