"What the hell am I doing?" and other mysteries of your 20's

Do you remember that catchy yet exasperating song by Britney Spears that came out in 2002 titled, "I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman"? I was twelve when the song was released. I would put in my butterfly hair clips, kiss Lance Bass in my NSYNC poster and sing that song into my hair pick (I have a white girl fro, okay?).

At the ripe age of twelve I thought this song was written especially for me and all of my fellow pre-teened, confusion-stricken peers.

No.
NO.

Spears was 22 when the song released. Well out of her teen years but yet not quite on the climb to 30 (undoubtedly the age of official adulthood). She had reached the age that every 20-something begins to feel "the shift," "the change," "the black plague."
 Okay, I made all of that up. It's not that bad.
But, that's the age I started to panic.

"What the hell am I doing?"
"What the hell am I going to do?"

Thoughts of the future, degrees and careers begin to creep into our dreams and daily thoughts.
I swear a few months ago I looked down into my alphabet soup and my noodles were spelling "biological clock," "decisions," "graduate already."

My biological clock never started ticking, but how easy is it at this phase (or any phase, really) to look through our newsfeed and see everyone else in their mid-twenties having it all together?

Oh look, Martha just had another baby.
Oh look, Jennifer just got a promotion.

What the hell? I'm 25 and still eat Cheetos for dinner ON A GOOD DAY.
My dear, sweet, little twenty-something's, I have so much to tell you.

1. Stop comparing your life to the highlight reels of everyone else's. Martha might be running on 3 hours of sleep, picking cheerios from her hair and wishing she could still go out with her friends as often as she used to. Smiling photos, "likes" and #blessed doesn't mean someone is happier than you are. They could be miserable. They could be looking at your feed, thinking the same about your life.

2.  Be where you are now. Oh dear ducklings, how easy is it to think about our lives in some distant time, wishing our lives away to the next job, the next boyfriend, the next step we feel we are supposed to take? We rush to get married because it's what we are supposed to do. We rush to have kids because "You've been married for about a year now, about time to think about some little ones,eh?" We rush to graduate so that we can land our dream job. The next, next, next. Sweet ladies, be where you are now. Live now. Be present in the here. Be happy in this chaotic, confusing, but beautiful season you are standing in right now. Stop hoping and wishing your life away year by year. You are in one of the sweetest seasons of your life. You get to discover who you want to be and who you are ultimately becoming. Right now! Isn't that a gift?

3. It's okay not to have your life together. You are twenty-something, 21, 22, 24, approaching 26 (don't remind me!). You aren't supposed to have your life together. You are supposed to be living and figuring it all out on the way. This is a joy ride, love. Stop beating yourself up and taking all of the joy out of it! Roll those windows down, turn up the tunes and let your fingers make love to the freeway air. This is the one time in your life when people won't look at you cross-eyed when you say you're currently on a journey to find yourself (screw them anyway, right?). Take advantage of these adventurous, wondrous, wild years! Quit your job if it doesn't make you happy. Dump that guy if he treats you like garbage. Try new foods. Travel new places. Learn a language. It's your time to learn more about yourself and more about the world around you. Who wants to have their life together when they can be on an adventure?

4. Not everyone is meant to stick around. Okay, this one sucks. It really, really, really sucks. So many faces have come and gone through out the years and it hurts. Your twenties are a time of making the friends that will stick and unfortunately losing friends that you thought would be around to watch your kids grow up. You change. You grow. You choose a path. They choose another. But, that's okay. Going separate directions at the fork in the road doesn't mean you can't smile at one another when you run into them at the grocery store, it simply means you knew them for who and what they once were. You accept that some people grow with you for a season and then you both began to grow differently, not better than the other, just different. Cherish the people that have grown you in the past, the ones growing you now and the ones that will help grow you in the future.

5. Get the tattoo. Take this literally, or don't. If you know me personally, you know that I would take this all the way to the tattoo shop! Live a little, babe! I wouldn't recommend a large fire-breathing dragon or, well, to each his own, eh? These are the years that you should make mistakes, take risks, be spontaneous! I am about to turn 26 and do not regret any of my tattoos, but most of them were a last minute, " I want to do this. This is my body. I'm getting this tattoo!" Own your choices, even if ten years from now you think they were immature. Isn't that beautiful, though? Why not let yourself hang out in the middle land for awhile? Get the dragon (no, not that) tattoo. Read whatever book catches your attention even if it's awfully written. Jump. Run. Ski. Get on the plane. Leave. Go. Come back again. Make a decision. Regret it. Change your mind. Do it all over again. Your twenties don't last forever, honey. Do something that scares you a little.

Sweet twenty-somethings, please put on your sassy red pants and try to enjoy these fleeting years. Time will be there. The career will be there. Graduation will come. Marriage (if you want that) will come. Children (if you want those) will come. Stand in the middle land and breathe in uncertainty, for years of certainty (sometimes mundane) will come in due time.

"The Quiet Girl"

That is probably the most boring title of a blog I have ever written, but I did it on purpose.

When someone reads, "The Quiet Girl," they get bored. It's boring. I did this because perhaps quiet girls are seen as boring by some outsiders, particularly loud people.
Was that offensive that I called you a "loud" person?
I thought that's what we did now-we tell people who they are based off of how many words that they speak.
No?

Oh.

I wanted to enlighten the public on the freak shows of the quiet girls.
The introverts.

First and foremost, my mind is loud.
It seems contradictory that I may not speak often or loudly, but yet my mind is extremely engaged.
Sometimes, an introvert's mind is too engaged. We are constantly making observations, evaluating and dissecting the world around us. How can someone talk when their mind is so busy?

Our minds do much more work than our mouths. To me, that's a positive.

Next slide please!

Quiet individuals make excellent listening buddies. We are often the sounding board for our friends, but also strangers. I joke often with my husband that I must have a flashing sign on my back reading, "Please tell me all of your life troubles!"

I joke about it, but I really enjoy it. I can't count the number of times I have been sitting in a waiting room, minding my own business, when a woman decides I look like someone trustworthy and silent enough to entrust their stories with.
I once held a woman in a tattoo parlor, sobbing that her husband just left her. True story.
What a privilege it is that my presence screams louder than any words that I could say!
What a privilege it is that strangers feel at ease enough around my "quietness" that they can pour out their hurts because they know "girls like her don't talk."

Que slide change.

I'm sure you've heard this before, but it is true that confidence is silent and insecurities are loud.
Want to know who the most insecure person in the room is? The one making the most noise.

I'm not insecure because I'm quiet.
I'm quiet because I'm confident.
I feel no need to fill the room with noise because I can be comfortable in my own silence.

We live in a world that is constantly moving, bustling, hustling. A world constantly filled with beeps, buzzes, rings and racket. We live in a world that never allows us to just be still, to appreciate a quiet room with only the company of ourselves, to enjoy a meal without checking our emails. We live in a world where when we do find ourselves forced to be alone, we must fill the hole with letting the world know exactly what we are doing, so that we don't feel so alone with ourselves. We live in a world where we feel the need to be validated by a click of a button on our life update or a photograph.
When silent hits, it makes us uncomfortable.

Take some time to be alone and to be silent. It might do you some good.

So many people who call us quiet don't truly want to hear our thoughts, ideas or anything really, they just want noise, anything to fill the silence that they cannot appreciate or understand.

Next slide, please.

When a quiet girl wants to communicate something, she does. She doesn't just communicate it, or say something to just say it, she communicates effectively and purposefully. She says exactly what she means to say and when she means to say it. Her words are developed and thought-provoking.

Have mercy on our souls that we only speak when we actually have something worth saying.

I don't think its a far reach to say that we have enough blubbering baboons around to fill the silence, we certainly don't need more of them.

I have no intention of "recovering" from my quiet nature. It's not a disease, it's a characteristic I wear with pride.
My quietness is actually a strength. Many people do not possess a quiet, strong presence. They can't. They have to be loud. They have to fill the silence in a room. Oftentimes, they are the ones intimidated by the strong silence of you, "the quiet girl." You actually have mystery to you. Intrigue.

Wallflower? Oh no, dear.

While the rest of the world is busy filling the air with meaningless small talk about the weather, my mind will be spinning, working, changing the world.

Bragging: Babies and Bae

Why I Will Brag About My Spouse On Social Media. 

It's become a hot topic on both ends on my newsfeed. 

Happy couples posting photos every day together. 

Another friend posting that they're tired of seeing mushy crap fill their feeds. 

Another friend saying that truly happy couples don't post on Facebook about it. 

This post will most likely be taken as a bias one, because I am a happily married woman. 

I'm also the girl that doesn't want to see five thousand photos of your baby, every. Single. Day. I mean, he looks the same as yesterday honey. We all know about his cute bald head and every bowel movement. Thank you. 

Do you want to see a photo of me and my husband, or any other happy couple, every single day like the bald headed (but cute, I'm sure) baby? 

No. 

Who would? 

But, will I continue to "brag" on my social media outlets about my marriage? 

You betcha. 

Will I continue to shine a light on my husband in every way and in every form and at every opportunity that I can? 

Absolutely. 

I understand that as a single person, it's probably annoying to scroll through your feed and see couples hanging all over one another, giving forehead kisses and hash-tagging #blessed for every Instagram photo (I'm personally not a fan of the latter). 

As a non-baby lover, I'm sure I make the same disgusted face when I see a baby covered in mayonnaise that you do over yet another kissing couple photo. 

BUT-I want to stand up for those of us that are genuinely happy and regularly post about our spouse on our own pages and/or write continuously on their walls even when we are sitting right next to them. 

I know that social media is often used as a highlight reel of everyone's best moments; they look happy, their makeup is done, their kids aren't hitting one another and everyone looks perfectly perfect. 

It's hard to decipher truth from reality on social media. 

We all know everyone was whining and crying before you took that photo and told everyone how #blessed you are. 

Let me be real here: life is hard. Real hard. 

When you marry someone, the right someone, you marry everything that comes with them. They become your person. 

You want to share every stupid moment with them. 

And because they are your constant in a chaotic world, 

And because they are your logical when life makes anything but sense, 

And because they are your life jacket when you feel like you're drowning, 

You want to share every stupid moment with the world, too. 

You want to share that because you still have your spouse to flirt with on their Facebook wall, 

Because you still have your spouse to clink coffee cups with, read books with, sit in church with, go to concerts with, laugh with, cry with, celebrate with, mourn with, that there is still hope.

There is still happiness. 

There is still balance when there's another person on the see-saw. 

We don't do it to rub our happiness in your face. 

We don't do it for your likes (that is an evil form of validation). 

We don't do it for you. Period. 

We do it for us. 

Sure, I tell my husband how proud of him I am every day in person. 

I grab his face and tell him who he is to me every afternoon. 

But-public recognition is important to everyone. 

We like to be told by our bosses how good of a job we are doing. 

We like to be told by strangers  in a grocery store how good of a parent we are. 

We like hearing our parents praise us for doing basic, adult responsibilities. 

Hey-it feels awesome! 

Everyone deserves that pat on the back- including our spouse. 

We don't want to fill your feed with fake, "look at us" photos, but we want to let the world know that life is freaking crazy, but you can still be happy as hell. 

And when you're that happy, you WANT to share it and you SHOULD! 

And when others are that happy, you SHOULD celebrate with them. 

I'm glad you're happy about bald baby. Even though I don't understand it (like at all), keep on sharing that happiness!

 And if it's a dog, please share even more. 

Instead of scrolling through your feed and rolling your eyes at someone else, yet again, for sharing a photo of them smooching their significant other or posting on their wall from five feet away, celebrate with them. 

They will celebrate with you too, in whatever form of happiness it is that you choose. 

But please, #blessed only on photos of pizza or puppies. 

When God Gives You A Hammer

Even if you didn't grow up in church, I'm sure you've read, or heard, the story of Noah.


Each time I've had this story taught to me, though in many different styles and by many different teachers, the focus has been fairly similar.
The ark, the flood, the animals, but most importantly-the rainbow.

Re-cap: Noah was a cool dude so God saved him and his family from destruction and showed them a pretty rainbow and we can all breathe a little easier now because God will never flood the Earth again. The end. 

Great!

Wrong. 

I don't think it's the rainbow that should always be the main focus, here. What about all the days, months, years before the rainbow?
What about all the sleepless nights before the flood ever came?
What about all of the hours in the hot sun, in the dirt, hammering away at an ark that nobody else thinks will do you any good?

Rarely ever mentioned, but so important.

Sometimes God  gives you a hammer. 
"What am I supposed to do with this, God?"

Response: "Work. Build. Hammer."

We hear God, but we look down at that hammer and question, "That's great God, but where's the pay off? Where's the harvest? Where's the flood you promised? Where's that rainbow?"
God's answer?

"Just keep hammering."

The least fun answer we can get.
No time frame of when our dreams will be fulfilled.
No clear plan of action.
Just build.

I might be going out on a limb here, but I can't believe that Noah never questioned what he was doing some days. Sure, Noah found "favor" in the eyes of the Lord (Genesis 6:8), but he was still human and he had a family to provide for. Can you imagine if God told you today to quite your day job and to start building an ark?

If you live in Seattle, maybe this wouldn't be so strange, but anywhere else, doesn't get that much rain. In fact, where Noah was, hardly EVER got rain. He was practically building an ark in an Arizona desert.
Day in and day out, Noah hammered. Noah built. Noah fumbled with nails and plywood.
I can see the looks from his neighbors now, the stares of his concerned children, the annoyed tapping of his wife's feet when Noah is more concerned with building an ark than he is helping with the dishes.

Yet, Noah built. 
Noah hammered. 
Noah waited. 
Noah got up each day, looked to the sky for rain clouds, saw an empty sky and yet continued to work and work hard. 

Sometimes God asks us to wait, to hammer, to work hard, when we would rather skip to the part about the dove and the rainbow.
Has God given you a dream?
A vision?
A glimpse into what He has for you?
I know He has me. I know He has my husband.

We look to the sky for rain clouds.
We wait. 

Waiting sucks. So does working towards something that seems useless. I'm positive there were days that Noah stood back, looked at the massive piece of scrap wood and thought, "What in the world am I doing? I work all day and all I have to show for it is an empty pocket book and a tired back. Am I going anywhere? Is the rain ever going to come?"

I have so many dreams. I have individual dreams and also dreams that my husband and I share. We question God when the rain will come. We beg Him to show us His timing! 

God, where's the flood?
Where's the rainbow we know You have for me, for us?

"Hammer. Build."

It can be a frustrating reply, but often times the answer is simply to keep working. We often have to work hard on seemingly endless, tiring, tasks before God brings us the promises He's made. 

If you sow, you will also reap.

Maybe you stand back from your eight to five job some days and wonder how in the world working there is going to get you to where you really want to be, wherever that may be, maybe the sands of another land, an orphanage, etc.

Maybe God is asking you to hammer away at a desk job, but you know that He has your heart elsewhere for a reason.

Take heart.
Noah was six hundred years old when the flood finally came.
Six. Hundred. Years. Old. 
He then had to wait another year on a smelly boat to finally reach his destination.

I think you can hammer just a little longer.
Wait for the rain a little longer.

God made His covenant with you, His promise with you; He will keep it.

Your job is to wipe the sweat from your brow, pick up that hammer, look to the sky and work hard.

Do the job you are in to the best of your ability.
Clean toilets better, fix wires better, make copies better, handle phone calls better.

Hammer.
Build.
Wait. 


Genesis 9:
12 And God said, “This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come:13 I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. 

To Caler: On Your Thirteenth Birthday

Say it isn't so.
Tell me I've miscalculated the years.
How are you thirteen today? 

I suppose I knew it was coming sooner than later;  you've been reminding me and your dad that you simply cannot order off of the child's menu anymore, even if you do eat less than your younger brothers.

Thirteen year olds are basically grown-ups, right?

You want to grow up so quickly, so I want to write you to let you know that it's okay to linger in your childhood.
It's okay to take your time to grow old. 

With this letter we celebrate thirteen years of beautiful life, but with this letter I also want to remind you of so many of the things I wish I would have slowed down to hear before I grew up far too quickly.

1. Slow. Down. I know you're at the age where you want to be an adult, like yesterday. You want to drive. You want to be independent. You want to rush your childhood, racing passed it with no second thoughts. Caler,slow down. First, adulthood isn't even that fun. You want to sleep in, stay home and watch Spongebob, but you can't. You have to wear pants every single day and sticking out your tongue at jerks can get you fired. You're supposed to be "mature" and "responsible"-neither of these are fun words. Trust me, you want to listen to me on this: take your time and enjoy just being a kid. I rushed through growing up and I now long for the days of spraying canned cheese in my mouth and riding my bike until dusk.

2. Seek God above all other people. I know right now, girls are a thought, but they haven't yet taken president over video games or Saturday morning cartoons. Guess what? They will. One day, you will notice the way the sunlight makes music with a certain girl's hair instead of the score on your xbox game. It will smack you down like a ton of bricks, just like that. You will begin to spend more time ruffling gel into those curly locks of yours and try to shave hair not yet present on your upper lip. Girls are great, hey, I'm one; one day you will find a pretty amazing one (WHEN YOU'RE THIRTY). But, make sure they are not even near the top of your priority list until you find the one that God has for you (WHEN YOU'RE FORTY). God, family, yourself, your dreams, your school-these are the elements of life that should take residence in your heart until it is time to hand part of yourself over to your bride (WHEN YOU'RE FIFTY). Seek Christ above all others, all things, all dreams, all pursuits-this will lead to a joyful life, a fulfilled life, even when other partsdon't seem so great. I've made this mistake-it's not pretty. Seeking anyone but Jesus to fill you will leave you feeling so, so empty, sweet boy. 

3. Do stupid stuff. Okay, I'm not your mom or dad so I can tell you stuff like this. DO STUPID STUFF. Cocaine? bad. Toilet papering houses? good. (Don't tell dad I told you that though, okay?) Of all the things that I regret from my teenage years, doing stupid stuff (not cocaine) isn't one of them. I rolled houses. I put shaving cream on people's heads at church camp. I put flour into their blow dryers (you didn't hear that from me). I danced with my best friend in my childhood bedroom to crappy pop music until 4 am. I had a lot of fun, but stayed totally sober and never once broke curfew. It's okay to have fun. It's okay to act SILLY. Being serious all the time is lame. Laugh. Laugh a lot.

4. Never stop hanging out with your parents. I failed miserably at this one and I regret it now. I currently jump on any chance I get to lay on my parent's couch, eat their food and just talk to them. You spend so much of your teenage years wishing your parent would get off your back and then find yourself at age 25 wishing they would be around to hug your neck more often. Don't miss out on hanging out with your mom or your dad right now. Believe it or not, they're actually pretty smart, and funny, and cool people to talk to. Bonus: they both love you to pieces and want the absolute best for you, so they will be even better than talking to a best friend about your troubles, because they've been where you are. They have faced the battles you will face. You know what? I bet they have some pretty swell advice to offer.

5. Be your own person. I know the next few years are vital to your reputation (P.S-this word is dumb. Nobody really cares after graduation who you are or what you did). I know right now everything about life seems uncertain; it's constantly changing and you're growing slowly into the man you will one day be. But-be your own person. You have so much to offer the world, why would you want to imitate anyone else? Your heart, your talents, your values, your dreams-those are yours and yours alone. Develop your own thoughts, for nobody can take those from you. Vote how you want to vote, think how you want to think, feel how you want to feel. I want you to believe in something because you truly believe in it, not because you were told to believe it. I want you to be your own person and to find yourself along the way through your own life experiences. Your mom, your dad, me, we can all walk alongside you, but we can't walk for you. You have to earn your own legs and learn your own path. Know that I will be there to love you, no matter what that path may look like.

Happy Birthday, kiddo.

You are dearly, dearly loved by so many.

Now, blow out your candles and make a wish!

-B

The Place I Cannot Join You In

You are sleeping. 

Your lungs sound different when you drift off to a place that I will never be able to join you in.

Maybe we are walking together somewhere, or drinking coffee in a shop that pieces of your brain glued together; a place that only exists in the world that I will never be able to join you in. 

"No gifts, remember?"

I remember. 

This isn't a gift. 

It's a stream of consciousness, it's my own place that you will never be able to join me in.

You can only peek into it's cracked door, only briefly catch murmurs as you lean your head as closely to the white-washed door as you possibly can. 

When I was a child I lied on my back at the top of the staircase that your boys now scoot down from on their bottoms. 

I would lay there and listen to my parents talk to one another about things I shouldn't have heard. Secrets, I guess.

I didn't want to sleep, I wanted to stay awake and hear the soft tones of my mother's voice. Many times I couldn't even decipher words from the long prose she spoke, but I knew it was lovely still.

I always fell asleep. 

You stir ever so often under the sheets. I wonder what wakes you. 

Is it a nightmare? Or is it a dream so beautiful, your body is fighting to stay a little longer, in that place that I will never be able to join you in?

I'm going to paint our kitchen a pale yellow. That's how I always pictured it would be. I wanted a yellow kitchen with you so badly. I wanted a yellow kitchen, fresh wildflowers in the window and Sunday morning coffee. 

I wanted to fight with you, about anything. About sugar maybe, or the type of milk you drank straight from the carton. 

I dreamed of the simple things, like shared grocery lists and book collections. 

Was The Great Gatsby mine, or yours? 

We would laugh and shrug because it wouldn't matter anymore. 

Yours and mine would be the same. 

You're rolling over more frequently now. Dawn is stirring with you. 

This isn't a gift.

It's a stream of consciousness, it's my own place that you will never be able to join me in.

How did we get here, sleeper? 

How did we manage the climb to the top? Are we at the top? Are we somewhere in the middle? 

The middle seems like a good spot to sit and hang out for awhile. 

Like a good spot to plop down with sandwiches and talk about nothing. 

Maybe just a good spot to enjoy sharing this space with one another for a short time. 

What's it like in the place that I will never be able to join you in? Am I in a cream dress in the woods? Are we laughing? Do you spin me around and hop over fallen trees? 

You're letting one leg breathe from the sheets now. 

This chapter has been brief, lover. This one of school supplies and evening walks. This one of sharing. I share your toothbrush at times and you pretend to not enjoy that we're so comfortable.Your eyes have always been honest with me, though. 

Before this mid-climbing spot of sharing air, you told me that you would always meet me there, in that place that you will never be able to join me in. 

I can't meet you there either, in that place I will never be able to join you in. 

It is a place that we can not share together. 

We go there and we toss. We turn. We let our legs breathe from the sheets. 

We go to this place that we can not share and we still search for the other. 

We search for the pale yellow kitchen. 

We search for the shared book collections, the shared coffee creamer. 

We search for anything to share in this place that we can never join one another in. 

You are about to wake. You're becoming more vocal now. 

I think we always search for a space to share with one another; I think we always have been searching and always will. 

This isn't a gift.

It's a stream of consciousness, it's my own place that you will never be able to join me in.

You're awake. 

The Step-Mom Chronicles. Preview.

    When I was a little girl, I was always chosen for children's church play leading roles and solos. It was a given that every year I would be the one singing the bigger pieces. Why? My mother, Lord bless her, made me sing a Sunday night special every month from ages four to twelve. My curly fro would be pulled tightly back with a bow to perfectly match my fake satin dress. It was 1995. You know what shiny, God-awful fabric I'm remembering. The church's carpet was the color of an old bicycle rusted by rain water and I hated pressing the colored foam microphone to my lips because my pastor's excitement didn't always remain on his own. 

    I had the most singing experience along with weekly singing lessons, so I was always the obvious choice to stand in the spotlight with sweaty palms and paper lyrics stuffed down into my lace socks. My mother's small, sweet face that I now see in my own bathroom mirror was always on the front row; her lips largely mouthing every word to my grand solo. 

   One year, that all changed. They decided to give another kid a chance to shine and I was handed a small song mid-play. My seven year old self couldn't believe it. The boy they gave my solo to liked to pick his nose and couldn't sing a lick. Now that I look back on it, I know that the talent in a kid's play is of least importance.  Also, I vaguely remember hearing a parental fit was thrown to get the nose picker a small spot of fame. 

  I don't remember much about the play, except one of my best friends wore a giant North Star suit and the fact that booger boy totally butchered the main solo. Faces contorted with each off-pitched pre-puberty squeal. I smirked behind my costume head covering and that was it. I was quite the little ass about it on the inside, but patted his back and lied to him about how great he did before skipping off stage to get my happy meal my mother promised me. 

    Moral of the story? I rocked and should have been the lead. Every. Single. Year. Forever. 

The end. 

Thanks for reading my book. 

Just kidding. 

The moral is that I was a typical ornery kid, just like you were and I didn't want to share the spotlight. In fact, I felt entitled to it. 

Nobody wants to be the secondary. 

The "stage hand."

We want to be seen. To be heard. We feel we won't matter if we're in the back prepping costumes instead of singing in the spotlight. 

I want to get real here with you, momma. Sometimes the life of the silent stage-hand sings louder than the leading roles. Your presence as the stage-hand is absolutely necessary for the show to happen successfully. 

Sometimes the most influential person is often the one unseen. Think of major films. Who do we see? The actors, actresses, stunts and special effects. 

But who directed it? Who was the writer, up all hours of the night drinking stale coffee with messy hair and furrowed brow?

We don't know. 

We don't see them.

They don't need our applause or our recognition. 

They sit in the back during the premiere screening and simply smile, content to just have been a part of something great. 

This is who we are. 

You are the writer, just happy that you are helping create. 

Children? They are in the spotlight. 

Mom? In the spotlight. 

Dad? In the spotlight. 

You? 

You set the lights. Play the music. Prep the costumes. Feed the lines. You write. You erase and then you write again. Without you, the show just wouldn't be the same. 

You're going to be the stage-hand often and that's okay. 

No play would ever make it to opening night without you. 

Being a step-mom requires a lot of patience, grace and humility. These are all such beautiful qualities to possess. They don't come easy, but they come. 

This is a journey. 

Sometimes long, sometimes hard, but always beautiful. 

Now, let's get this show on the road momma. 

Together. 

Hold The Cards.

I remember watching people play poker once. I was twenty and had just recently discovered rum. I liked thinking that I could pretend to be a badass with my 5% alcoholic sugar water.

 I would laugh at jokes that became stale when passing through the smoke of cheap cigarettes. 

I like to tell people this was my "hardcore" stage; you know the one we all are supposed to go through when we are young, stupid and searching for our parents' values that we seem to have misplaced somewhere, along with our shoes, around drink number three. 

The truth? I was never hardcore. After two rums I was talking to shag carpet and my asthma blew my badass identity when I choked on mint-flavored hookah. 

I was under the impression that the drunken, lost stage of life was a right of passage, so when fate didn't create it for me I did it to myself. 

Back to poker. 

I loved studying every player's unique bluffing strategy. Each eyebrow raise, twitch of the nose; all were road maps to read. 

I saw so many young idiots trust other players far too easily. 

They couldn't understand the road map, so they would continue to place more and more chips on the table. The other player would remain stiff, unmoved and continue to simply hold their cards close to their chest. 

They would wait for their prey to put it all on the table. Every chip and wadded dollar bill. 

Then...the other player would lay it all down. 

The winning hand. 

I learned those were the best players; the ones who had every reason to gloat, cheer and show the room just what they held, but chose not to. 

Sometimes to win, you have to hold those cards that could destroy your opponent close to your chest.

At times, okay always, my flesh says, "Dukes up! Let's fight! We've got the fists to win!" 

But God says, "Hands down. Leave the ring and leave your enemy to swing at the air."

It's hard to take off the gloves, but in the end you win by never joining in on the match. 

At times, okay always, my flesh says, "Britney, lay down that winning hand. What are you waiting for?! Give your opponent what's coming to them!" 

But, yet again, that Jesus fellow comes in and shuffles my deck. 

Jesus instructs us to keep holding that royal flush, that winning hand, those cards that could totally obliterate our adversary. 

He instructs us to keep holding because it's not our hand to play. 

It's His. 

It's not our job to play the the winning hand. 

It's not our job to ever step into the ring. 

It's not our poker game. 

It's not our match. 

It's His. 

Hold the cards. 

"The Lord your God will fight for you; you need only to be still."

Exodus 14:14

Television Will Fry Your Child's Brain and Other Horrifying Myths

"Don't sit so close to the T.V screen, it'll make you go blind."

"Be careful or your eyes will get stuck like that, you know."

"That show will give you nightmares."

"Spray can cheese isn't meant to be sprayed directly into your mouth."

"Your brain will rot from playing video games all summer."

"Spongebob is a homosexual, you know. Don't let your kids watch that."

The last one really did come out of someone's mouth once. I promise.

Before jumping into the real meat of this blog, let me debunk these myths and wow you all by the fact that I actually survived my childhood and not only that, came out as a functioning, intelligent (and rather witty if I do say so myself) adult.

I sat close to every Disney VHS movie screen I could. I've got the best eyesight out of my entire immediate family.

I criss-crossed my eyes every chance I got at my sister in the back seat of that green mini van, yet my eyes are perfectly normal. Wait, are there two of you? Just kidding.

Now, that show my mother told me not to watch (but I did every day when she was still waitressing) did give me nightmares. I think it built character in me though and made me less of a wussy. Sometimes nightmares aren't all that bad to have.

I spent the majority of my summers spraying canned cheese directly into my esophagus with my much older and mature sister, Kim. I have news for you: spray can cheese only has one purpose and that is to gulp it with head titled back. If you're eating it any other way, you're doing it wrong.

I played video games in that hot pink bean bag while wearing my Pocahontas pajamas my entire fourth grade summer and can do magical things like use the proper form of to, too, your and you're despite my half-rotted brain. Take that.

Spongebob isn't a homosexual; he's a cartoon with no genitals or gender identity. Even if he was, let your kids watch him. HE IS EVERYTHING. If you don't, they will grow up to have no friends and no sense of humor. That, my friends, is no myth.



Now, the real point for this blog isn't to talk about Spongebob's lack of genitalia. It's to tick you and every other parent off who has shared an article about why technology is turning our children into cyborgs and storm troopers.

You roll your eyes now, but really, your child isn't being damaged because you're handing them a tablet to shut them up on a road trip or because they would rather play Minecraft than help you mow the lawn.
Their brains aren't fried and their eyes aren't going to be permanently crossed.

They're children.
They want to play video games, watch Spongebob on Sunday mornings in their batman underwear and they want to spray canned cheese down their throats quicker than you can send a two-sentence text message.
Some of my fondest memories are of me and my dad laying on the couch together, laughing at Spongebob and Squidward while my mom got ready for church.
Some are of me and my sister eating junk food in our blanket fort, watching Are You Afraid of the Dark, keenly listening for the garage door to cue the arrival of my mother and us to switch the channel to some happy-clappy, obnoxious children's program.

The same parents who continue to rant about how tablets and video games are destroying the new generations' mental capacity, have a hard time using correct grammar in the same status update.
Did you play too many video games, too? Did outside teach you how to conjugate verbs or...
Too much? Sorry.

Now before you go huffing and puffing and blowing the whole Earth down, know that I am for physical activity. I mean, heck, I'm a marathon runner. I run 50 miles a week and even drag my kids out on the asphalt with me on the occasion.

My kids love to watch YouTube, but they also love to ride their bikes.
My kids love to play MineCraft, but they also love to make me play kick-ball with them in the street.
My kids have access to technology and sometimes sit close to the television, but they also have equal access to outdoors and the joys of swinging too high at the park.

 My love of beating video games or texting 5,000 words a minute as a pre-teen didn't turn me into a mindless couch potato.

It's not slowly turning my boys into robots either. This isn't Robocop or 1987, so calm yourself.

Technology isn't bad for your child, but an imbalanced life is.

Don't feel guilty for handing your ten year old a tablet, but make sure he knows what it feels like to slide in the dirt to home plate.
It's okay to let your kiddo waste a few hours watching Spongebob (he's like Gandhi, but better), but make sure to take them for a park picnic, letting them know what it feels like to waste hours of the day away on the monkey bars, too.

Your job is to send them into the world as a well-rounded, decent human being.
Getting them to that place is your task and yours alone, but let them have some fun and enjoy a few new things the world has to offer along the way.

When you were a kid your mom locked you outside and told you to play in the woods until night-fall? Good for you. I'm glad you didn't get kidnapped.
But, maybe instead of forcing the way you lived your childhood onto your own kids, you can try to join in on theirs and learn to love some of the things they do.

Balance.

Also, remember:

Sunday morning Spongebob and basic grammar are of the utmost importance. 

Pretty Isn't Priority

I remember when I was younger, I had a bow to match every dress I owned and I refused to wear anything but a dress until I was in first grade.

As a little girl, you are taught to cross your legs, look straight into the camera and "smile pretty."
Our hair is pulled, prodded and twisted into absolute perfection.

We are trained to be pretty.
To look pretty.
To act pretty.


I think we grow into thinking it is our duty and our responsibility to "blossom" and to transform into delicate, fair posies.
So we grow.
We blossom.

We figure out how to tame our wild, curly locks.
We discover how to dress in the most flattering way for our own body type.
What color blush suits our fair cheeks the best.
What goopy foundation blends the best into our pores.

We pluck.
We wax.
We cut.
We highlight.
We blend.
We contour.

We do all we can to pay our dues and be the flower we were told to be.
We look into the camera.
We smile pretty.

I decided to not wear any make up this week as an experiment for the purpose of this blog. I showered, let my curls fall naturally and left the blush brushes and foundation sponges sit in their drawer. I wanted to see how I would feel, what people would say, the reactions I might get. I wanted to know why I was really doing what I was doing. Why did I feel the need to cover my natural face up? Was I doing it for me? For the people I passed in the grocery store? If I wasn't doing it for myself, I wanted to discover why I was doing it at all.

You want to know what happened the last few days when I left the house without make up or hair mousse?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. People didn't look at me cross-eyed. My husband didn't ask if I was feeling okay. Nobody even seemed to notice, but me. Granted, I think makeup can be fun and nice to put on for work or just to make yourself feel a little bit more put together. I'm not giving up make up completely, for I don't feel the need to personally do that. Will I wear it way less often?
YOU BET! It's freeing. I feel freaking great, honestly.
I feel like Britney. Just Britney.

I don't want to wear makeup again until I forget about it all together.
I want my natural face to be more normal to me than the one with dark eyelashes and painted cheeks.
I don't want to feel I owe anyone, my own prettiness, anymore.

I want to be beautiful, not pretty.
I want to be known for my heart, not my face.
I want to know that prettiness isn't a priority in my own life.

There are far more beautiful things than looks to strive for.
There is wisdom.
There is laughter.
There is knowledge.
There is kindness.
There is humility.
There is meekness.
There is selflessness.

These are the things I want to leave with the world.

 I feel like so many of us feel like we owe the world to be pretty.
You don't owe anyone that.
Pretty isn't a priority, nor should it be.

If you want to use hair products and eye-shadow to enhance yourself some days, go for it!
But, don't use it to hide.
Don't use it because you feel you owe anyone anything.


Your job as a woman isn't to smile pretty.
Your job as a woman isn't to be anything but yourself.

You don't owe prettiness to anyone.

Be kind.
Be gentle.
Be humble.
Be merciful.

For those are the things that will outshine the wrinkles of old age.

Procreating Minus the Pro.

"So, when are you going to have a baby?"

The face of an acquaintance waits with anticipation and curiosity as I try to get my latte as quickly as possible and get the hell out of there.

"Well, actually, I'm working on my writing degree and photography career, so never really."

Then the face happens.
The, "If you're not going to procreate and bake pies and wax the floors...who will?" face.

It's my favorite, really.
I have actually grown to enjoy the reactions I receive when I practically tell people bold-faced that I ovulate bricks.

Some people are totally awesome, telling me that they are cheering me on in my endeavors to be a free bird, others, not so much.

I'm here to tell you about the truth in chosen childlessness.
Every woman who chooses not to have children also has her own reason, so I'm not here to put the umbrella affect into place.
I'm here to mainly explain why asking women when they're going to start procreating isn't okay.

Maybe you have, but I have never, not even once, heard someone ask a male when they were going to start attempting to produce children.

Why?
You don't ask men those questions.
When a man hits his twenties, society doesn't ask him about picking out baby names.
We ask him about his education plans and his career plans.

When a woman hits her twenties, she instantly becomes bombarded with questions of wedding chapels and burp cloths.
Why is that, reader?
How broken is our societal structure that we are still (though not as extreme as before) in the mindset that a young man should be furthering his education, while a woman is trying to bare children and stay confined to the walls of the home?

Just a short warning here: I am not knocking on mothers or women who stay home for some time with their young children. I was a raised by a woman just like that and she was the best mother I could have ever had and raised me to be the independent-minded woman that I am.

What I am knocking, is the idea that all women who have a womb should want to procreate and that if they're not or even worse, they don't want to, that something is seriously wrong.

I wish I could tally up the times I get asked in one week alone why I don't want to have a baby, just to show you to what degree this problem has actually gotten to.

I have something to say to all of you who continue to push, prod and question continuously why, whyyyyyyyyy I wouldn't want to have a baby?

In reality, it's none of your damn business, but to be politically correct here, I uh, just don't want to.

Considering this answer hasn't seemed to suffice your societal norms, here we are.

I am focused on creating other things besides children and that's okay.
For me.
And many other women out there.

Many women make great mothers, seriously. So many of my dearest friends are mothers and they freaking rock that role. I am a step-mother to three amazing kiddos, but , I'm not their mother. I don't want to be their mother. The role I play in their lives suits me perfectly.

I feel there are categories of women and it's important you know which category you fit into, for yourself.

1. The mother.
2. The Auntie/Bonus Momma.
3. The woman who shouldn't be allowed within 500 miles of a child.

Now, number three should be in prison, but aside from her, both number two's and three's are equally important in making our culture and society go round. Know which category you fit into, not the category your mom who so desperately wants to be a grandmother wants you to fit into or your friends, family, whoever else tells you that you should fit into.

Fit into where you feel you belong.

Do I feel that I might regret not having a baby?
No.
Even if I did, the possibility of maybe having a feeling of regret, isn't enough reason to have a child.


Do I ever look at a baby and have a twinge of a maybe?
No.
I often tilt my head and wonder what my dog is currently doing.

We live in a world that is slowly progressing to full equality among the sexes, yet the expectation of every womb being filled is still towering over many of us.

We shouldn't feel guilt, shame or confusion for making the choice not to have children.
On the contrary, we should feel empowerment and freedom in our own choice.

Not every woman was designed to raise children just because she has a uterus and I'm one of those women.

Stop asking women what they are going to do with their own bodies.
Ask them about their minds.
Ask them about their dreams.

I am a woman and I don't need to have a child to be a complete human being.
Also, every woman must find her own path to living a fulfilled life and for many women that is to raise a family.
For me, I do live an overflowing life and feel no need to add to it or to take away.

Writing fulfills me daily, a career which I feel takes a lot of your heart, your time and your focus.
Many, many women writers never even marry, much less have children, due to the nature of the career and what it demands of us mentally and emotionally.


I know that even though I am not procreating, I know that I still create things every day as a writer.
I know that even though I will never birth a child, I will birth new ideas and changes.

I am complete.
I am whole.
I am free.
I am proud.
My body.
My choice.

So, if you truly want to respect women, stop asking us when we plan to make use of our wombs and start asking us about our passions.




“Everybody with a womb doesn’t have to have a child any more than everybody with vocal cords has to be an opera singer.”-Gloria Steinem

Taking Bathing Suit Season Back

It's here.

You know, negative body image season. 

Shorts. 

Tanks. 

Skirts. 

And yes...bathing suits. 

Summer is usually associated with the ice cream man, sun-kissed skin and baby curls on swing sets. 

Yet, this season filled with so many positive images can often haunt women with a negative one; their body. 

You sit out of the pool while your children beg you to come play in the water with them. 

What is making you decline, momma? 

Your friends beg you to join them at the lake, but you pile on layers and hide in your beach towel.

What is making you miss out, friend? 

This is for every woman who has been ashamed, disgusted, embarrassed and even tormented by the demon lurking in your bathroom mirror. 

I'm not going to feed you lies and tell you that I never go a day without speaking death about my body. I'm human. I have my days just like you. But, I decided with the new year that it was time to hit that dance floor and cut loose! 

I gave up torturing my wild curls and embracing the body I've got. 

It's the only body we are going to have ladies, so you better rock it any way you can! 

If it's hot, I'm going to run in my shorts and sports bra. 

If my kids are at the pool, I'll be right by their side, not hiding in a beach towel. 

Do I have love handles from my love of pizza, stretch marks and fatty deposits?

Of course. 

Who the hell cares?

Not anyone but me, and now sometimes that is even questionable. 

Honey, it's time to have a sit down meeting with yourself. 

Get in that bathing suit, pose in your mirror and give the negative body vomit your middle finger. 

You don't have the time to be worrying about those extra pounds or birthing marks.

Stop giving space to negative thoughts and talk, you could really fill that space with so much better. 

You could fill that space with pool days with your kids, a sexy dress for a date night, but most importantly you could fill that space with more of you. 

That's who matters here. 

The moms laying out next to you don't matter. 

The woman giving you a cross-eyed look because you're in a bikini and rocking that size 14-she really, really doesn't matter. 

It's time to tell negative body talk to go to hell, but it starts with us. 

You feel more comfortable in a one piece? Perfect! But, not every woman will. 

Maybe the woman with extra pounds you've been mouthing has lost massive amounts of weight and that bikini is a statement to herself and the world that she is free from the world and its standards! 

The last time I checked, bathing suits and summer attire were made in every size, so pick out yours, get out there and be fabulous. 

Stop negative body talk about yourself and about the women around you.

We are all in this fight against the bathroom mirror together. 

How much sense would it make for someone to trip their running team mate as they handed off the baton on a relay race? 

None. 

They not only hurt their team mate, they hurt themselves as well. 

Until we start acting like we're on the same team and stop tripping each other up, we will always fight this battle.

We will always be running on a hamster wheel. 

We will always be swinging in the dark at an enemy that isn't in front of us, but within us. 

If you can't handle seeing a real human being wear a bathing suit, maybe you're the one who needs to pack up and go home.

Oh, that woman really should cover all that up? 

The only ugly thing that needs to be covered up is your hideous and hateful attitude towards your team mate.

Negative body image talk ends with me. 

Negative body image talk ends with you. 

Size 2 or 22, we are taking swimsuit season back. 

Don't like it? 

Frankly my dear, we don't give a damn.