A Letter To My Stepsons.

Caler, Corban and Cannon:

I love you.
I know you already know this, even though my love is typically shown in a non-traditional way.
Maybe I say it in a wink at the dinner table as macaroni falls down your chin or a ruffle of your beautiful hair as you pass me on the kitchen tile.

I know I don't squeal when you walk up to me or squeeze the breath out of you in a big momma bear hug.
I know I don't call you "honey, baby, sweetie", you know, all of those mommy names that mothers do as they squeeze their rose-cheeked children before sending them on their way.
I know I don't swoop you up when you trip over a toy in the living room, but instead I often laugh and try to ask if you're really okay through the giggling.
It still seems to make you smile, even through your serious "injury."

I am not your mother, nor do I want to be.
I am writing you this to tell you that I don't want to be any other little boys' mother either.

Because...you are enough. 
Yes, sometimes as the three of you run around me and your daddy with swords made of wrapping paper tubes, hitting the furniture in your "ninja" masks, you are enough in a physical sense.
Being a bonus mom to you three boys is the ride of my freaking life some days.

Some nights I go to bed with half of my hair and half of my wits ( as do many mom's I'm sure).
Yet, you are more than enough.

There is no part of my heart that is not filled with absolute joy or contentedness.
There is no part of my soul that wrestles with any emptiness.
There is no part of my mind that wonders, "What if..."
There is no part of my life that bares a gap, waiting for another to fill it.

You three filled that gap long ago. 
You three silenced every question, every lingering feeling of incompleteness.

I am often questioned as to why your daddy and I have no desire to bring a fourth child into our family.
I want you to know...that frankly, we don't need to.
Why?
We have you. 
Caler, Corban and Cannon, you are everything I could have every wanted or needed in my world.

Honestly, I never saw myself as a mother, even as a small girl.
It was never in my cards, but then one day...God shuffled my deck and he gave me three of the most lively, beautiful, brilliant, wide-eyed boys.

And from that first day that we met for pizza and I left smelling of cheese and rusted game tokens, I knew that you were it for me.
You were the missing cards in my deck. 
You were the reason that as the years of life piled on, the desire to conceive never came.

Even in the midst of me and your daddy's confusing beginning, the Creator of all things looked down and saw the five of us.
He saw that first meeting in a pizza parlor.
He saw the first time you would hug my neck and say you loved me.
He saw that any empty part of me would undoubtedly be filled the moment we met.

You three boys and your gorgeous daddy are the thread that has stitched so many pieces of my shredded heart back together. 

The weeds (I mean, beautiful flowers) you pick for me in our backyard are enough.
The nights just the five of us cuddle up in the living room for a movie are enough.
The morning I walk into the kitchen to your three bedheads hunched over your daddy's delicious pancakes, are enough.
The summer afternoons that we walk hand in hand to the neighborhood park to watch you climb anything and everything, are enough.


The truth is, I fell in love with the three of you.
The truth is, I never knew I had a longing to be met until I met you.
The truth is, you are absolutely, undeniably, undoubtedly...enough for me. 

So when people ask me, "Why?"

I will only have to smile and look over to the three of you.

Britney.