The Spirit of the Marathon

Many want to.
Some try.
In actuality, few do.
It takes months of pain.
It takes hours of sweat.
It takes icing.
Taping.
Foam rolling.
Questioning yourself.
Injuries.
Tapering.
Hill runs.
Sprints.
Self-doubt.
Guts.
What is it?
The marathon.
26.2 miles.
Some think they're ready.
Some know they're ready.
Everyone deep down hopes they're ready.
To many this is just a distance to run.
To many this is just some crazy thing those crazy runners do.
For runners, it's spiritual.
In those months you are tried physically, mentally and emotionally.
You question your ability, your sanity, your confidence and hope in yourself.
You push your body to the limit and stretch your limitations to their brink.
One pain in your foot could devastate you and all your hard work.
One twist of the ankle on a training run makes your heart stop.
The months leading up to my marathon were rough physically and personally.
I had knee pain, heel pain, Achilles pain, whatever pain possible crept its way onto my body.
I had personal battles slap me in the face that many of you know already.
Yet there were many other deep spiritual and emotional battles being fought within myself and in my family before my run.
I ran through pain.
I ran when I felt like my world was crashing in on me.
I ran when all I wanted to do was scream, kick and cry on my bedroom floor because I was in so much spiritual turmoil.
I was questioning God and His promises.
His timing.
His love.
His mercy.
Where was my break, God?
Haven't I fought enough already?
Have You not broken me enough?

I ran when I didn't want to run.
I ran when I wanted to run away from the people who loved me most.
I ran when the doctor said, "you should probably chill out."
I ran when everything around me said to stand still.
I ran from my problems, my pain, my fears and myself.
I'd blare music in my ears on my runs to not think.
I'd cancel on my running friends and run alone so I could cry my eyes dry in solitude.

The marathon is different for every runner.
For me, it was the time in my life where I needed to prove to myself that I was strong.
That I was worthy of greatness.
That there was some sort of hope out there.
That Britney was not a victim of her life but a woman who is a victor in all she does.
That Britney is not fearful but fearless.
That Britney is courageous not a coward.

Through out the marathon I reflected back on every hill I've ever climbed, every storm I weathered and every person who had broken my spirit.
Why had I let life throw its huge stones and get away with it?

No more.
You're running 26.2 miles, Britney.
Victims can't do that.
The weak can't do that.
The hopeless can't do that.
This is your run.
This is your marathon.

Suck up the aches and pains.
Inhale the hard jagged breathing.
Embrace the wars you face and get up and fight back.

Oh, your eating disorder likes to come visit at your weakest moment?
Shut the door in its ugly no good face.
Oh, you feel like you don't fit in?
Make yourself known.
Oh, your dad is sick again?
Get your hope back and glue yourself back together.
Oh, you still sink back into that little girl that feels everyone is pointing fingers at her and whispering?
Tell those voices to shut the hell up. They're not welcome in your life.
Oh, you feel God turned His face from you?
Guess what? He's staring you straight in the eyes right in this moment.
He's applauding your every stride.

It's mile 25 and there's the biggest hill of the race. Will you walk it as a hopeless and broken spirited victim or will you run that damn hill as a fearless, hopeful, strong, full spirited grown woman?
I crossed the start line lost.


I found my spirit again in the marathon.

Flat Coke Christians

Many people use the term "lukewarm Christian" when describing someone who is neither completely on fire for God or against Him. They're in the middle. They're neither left nor right. The bible says this type of person is spat out of God's mouth. I mean, nobody enjoys warm drinking water. It's useless.
There is another type of person to be weary of becoming: the flat coke Christian.
What?
Okay, have you ever bought a cola and you're so excited about opening it, hearing the pssshhhthththttt of the cap turning, the sweet sugary carbonation slipping and soothing your throat, the inevitable "ahh" sound we all make after drinking that perfect soda...but then...as the liquid reaches your tongue, it's FLAT! Oh nooooo. You make that agonizing facial expression and stick out your tongue in disgust.
What a disappointment.
What a let down.
What a flat coke.
Just like nobody wants to drink a flat cola, nobody really wants to be like one either.
Flat coke looks just like a satisfying coke, sometimes it even makes the same sound when you open the bottle, but you know it's flat by its lack of carbonation when you take the time to taste it.
Just like this flat coke, sometimes we as Jesus followers are flat.
We dress the part.
We talk the part.
But we're flat.
We're complacent.
We're really good for nothing.
Often, we even look like we're busy doing important and holy things...but all the while we are really just mimicking and playing the part of a carbonated Christian.
We are doing absolutely nothing for Jesus.
Now hold up hold up...am I saying singing in the church choir or teaching that Sunday school class isn't a good thing?
No way!
But, what are you doing outside that choir loft and beyond those white church room walls?
Here are a few things Jesus DID tell us to do, actually, command us to do:


Deuteronomy 15:10 (NLT)
Give generously to the poor, not grudgingly, for the Lord your God will bless you in everything you do.


Matthew 5:43-44 (NLT)
"You have heard the law that says, 'Love your neighbor' and hate your enemy. [44] But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!


Luke 6:30-31 (NLT)
Give to anyone who asks; and when things are taken away from you, don't try to get them back. [31] Do to others as you would like them to do to you.


Mark 11:25 (NLT)
But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too."


Mark 16:15 (NLT)
And then he told them, "Go into all the world and preach the Good News to everyone.

Love.
Give.
Serve.
Forgive.
Spread the Good News EVERYWHERE.
Love some more.

This is going to step on a few toes, but Jesus isn't impressed that you sit on the front row and get happy clappy on Sunday.
He isn't impressed that your choir can sing Tide on King Jesus in whatever key flawlessly.
He isn't impressed by your JBQ track record or how many lights your sanctuary has.
He isn't flattered by your constant Facebook posts bashing the leadership the King Himself allowed to step into office.
He isn't giving you a slap on the back when you speak out about how much God hates the gays (He doesn't by the way).
He isn't thrilled by how big your Christmad production is or all the different church functions your organized.
I know, you're hating me right now.
But, I simply can not let you keep thinking you're impressing the Creator of the Universe by being really busy but going nowhere.
Do we all have the call on our lives to be a missionary over seas?
No.
Do we all have the call to get off our big behinds and actually do something for Jesus?
Absolutely.
Often as Christians, myself included, get caught up in how much we can occupy ourselves with inside the walls of our church, we ignore the weak, needy, poor, lost, broken people just down the street.
We become flat coke Christians.
This blog hit me this morning as I sat in my friends' church service.
They didn't have a humongous Christmas display.
They don't have the amount of resources that many power churches tend to have, yet there they were, giving a Christmas gift to every single child in their church.
There they were blessing a family in need with a stage full of gifts.
There they were being run completely by volunteers.
When I asked my friends what they were getting each other for Christmas they replied, "we are giving presents to families in need this year instead."
What? This was incredible to me.
It touched me.
Even more it broke me, because as a child who grew up in church my entire life, I've never known such sacrifice, giving, or humble hearts.
It broke me because I realized many f us have become flat.
We have become superficial and selfish.
We have become stuck up and blind towards the poor.
We would rather complain about food stamps and welfare than go volunteer and feed the hungry.
We would rather be in the spotlight in the Christmas special than behind the curtains blessing the poor.
We have become our worst nightmare.
I want to never reach that place again personally.
I never want to choose my own comfort over the needs of those around me.
I never want to be...flat.

Flat Coke Christians

Many people use the term "lukewarm Christian" when describing someone who is neither completely on fire for God or against Him. They're in the middle. They're neither left nor right. The bible says this type of person is spat out of God's mouth. I mean, nobody enjoys warm drinking water. It's useless.
There is another type of person to be weary of becoming: the flat coke Christian.
What?
Okay, have you ever bought a cola and you're so excited about opening it, hearing the pssshhhthththttt of the cap turning, the sweet sugary carbonation slipping and soothing your throat, the inevitable "ahh" sound we all make after drinking that perfect soda...but then...as the liquid reaches your tongue, it's FLAT! Oh nooooo. You make that agonizing facial expression and stick out your tongue in disgust.
What a disappointment.
What a let down.
What a flat coke.
Just like nobody wants to drink a flat cola, nobody really wants to be like one either.
Flat coke looks just like a satisfying coke, sometimes it even makes the same sound when you open the bottle, but you know it's flat by its lack of carbonation when you take the time to taste it.
Just like this flat coke, sometimes we as Jesus followers are flat.
We dress the part.
We talk the part.
But we're flat.
We're complacent.
We're really good for nothing.
Often, we even look like we're busy doing important and holy things...but all the while we are really just mimicking and playing the part of a carbonated Christian.
We are doing absolutely nothing for Jesus.
Now hold up hold up...am I saying singing in the church choir or teaching that Sunday school class isn't a good thing?
No way!
But, what are you doing outside that choir loft and beyond those white church room walls?
Here are a few things Jesus DID tell us to do, actually, command us to do:


Deuteronomy 15:10 (NLT)
Give generously to the poor, not grudgingly, for the Lord your God will bless you in everything you do.


Matthew 5:43-44 (NLT)
"You have heard the law that says, 'Love your neighbor' and hate your enemy. [44] But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!


Luke 6:30-31 (NLT)
Give to anyone who asks; and when things are taken away from you, don't try to get them back. [31] Do to others as you would like them to do to you.


Mark 11:25 (NLT)
But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too."


Mark 16:15 (NLT)
And then he told them, "Go into all the world and preach the Good News to everyone.

Love.
Give.
Serve.
Forgive.
Spread the Good News EVERYWHERE.
Love some more.

This is going to step on a few toes, but Jesus isn't impressed that you sit on the front row and get happy clappy on Sunday.
He isn't impressed that your choir can sing Tide on King Jesus in whatever key flawlessly.
He isn't impressed by your JBQ track record or how many lights your sanctuary has.
He isn't flattered by your constant Facebook posts bashing the leadership the King Himself allowed to step into office.
He isn't giving you a slap on the back when you speak out about how much God hates the gays (He doesn't by the way).
He isn't thrilled by how big your Christmad production is or all the different church functions your organized.
I know, you're hating me right now.
But, I simply can not let you keep thinking you're impressing the Creator of the Universe by being really busy but going nowhere.
Do we all have the call on our lives to be a missionary over seas?
No.
Do we all have the call to get off our big behinds and actually do something for Jesus?
Absolutely.
Often as Christians, myself included, get caught up in how much we can occupy ourselves with inside the walls of our church, we ignore the weak, needy, poor, lost, broken people just down the street.
We become flat coke Christians.
This blog hit me this morning as I sat in my friends' church service.
They didn't have a humongous Christmas display.
They don't have the amount of resources that many power churches tend to have, yet there they were, giving a Christmas gift to every single child in their church.
There they were blessing a family in need with a stage full of gifts.
There they were being run completely by volunteers.
When I asked my friends what they were getting each other for Christmas they replied, "we are giving presents to families in need this year instead."
What? This was incredible to me.
It touched me.
Even more it broke me, because as a child who grew up in church my entire life, I've never known such sacrifice, giving, or humble hearts.
It broke me because I realized many f us have become flat.
We have become superficial and selfish.
We have become stuck up and blind towards the poor.
We would rather complain about food stamps and welfare than go volunteer and feed the hungry.
We would rather be in the spotlight in the Christmas special than behind the curtains blessing the poor.
We have become our worst nightmare.
I want to never reach that place again personally.
I never want to choose my own comfort over the needs of those around me.
I never want to be...flat.

Condemnation and Car Rides

We've all heard this before: "there is no condemnation in Christ! Tell your past to be gone!"
What? Is this some sort of magic trick? I can just wish my struggles away? I can command my past to flee?
This is a joke.
Jesus doesn't mean that we will never struggle again once we are Christians. He doesn't mean that because we change our life that our old one simply disappears and all the baggage that comes along with it is no more.
No. The past is real. Your struggle is real.
Jesus says "There is therefore now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus; the old is gone the new has come!"
He doesn't mean, "Well, all the people you've hurt before don't remember that you hurt them and oh that eating disorder you had, I got that all covered you will never suffer from insecurity again."
Jesus knows we will fall.
He knows we will fail.
He knows we might take a small drink again.
He knows we might visit that website again.
He knows we might skip a day of eating again.
He knows we might hurt people again.
He knows we might lash out in anger against our spouse again.
He knows, but He has paid the price of your shame.
He sees His children as the small weak children we are, so desperately in need of grace and rescuing.

Jesus is like the father witnessing his child learn to walk on its own. It's so unsure of everything, yet gets into everything it can touch. It bumps into the precious heirlooms, breaking a few irreplaceable pieces of china along the way. It cries from confusion in its new ability and doesn't understand why dad smacks its hand away from the untouchables. The father helps the child around, holding its hands, steering it from harm, sometimes the stubborn child approaches danger despite its fathers subtle warnings. The child is confident in its own ability to walk straight and ends up face planted into the hard concrete.
The father does not leave the child screaming for help. The father does not pick the child up, spanking and scolding the child. The father does not say, "Son, I told you so! See, you fell now get back up on your own!"
No. No.
The father runs to his child, scooping him up in his arms kissing and cuddling the child into his neck saying, "shhhh...daddy's here. He's here. I know, I know."

We are like this child, learning to walk on our new spiritual legs. We ignore warnings. We trip. We fall. We get beat up.

But my God is not the God that turns His face from one of His children because they fell while learning to walk.
He knows we are weak.
He knows we need a Savior.
He knows we need mercy time and time again.

Sometimes the enemy comes in like a flood and bombards my heart with guilt, shame, fear, confusion.
But my Daddy comes in like a whisper while I'm riding in my car on the freeway.
The rain runs down my front window as I blare my music as loud as I can to shut out every demon that has its eye set on me that day.

My Daddy sits in the passenger seat and touches my face with His Grace and reassurance.
"You are MY daughter, not the daughter of shame. You are MY child, not the child of fear. You are captivatingly beautiful in My eyes, not an invisible insecure girl like you sometimes see. You are strong because I am. You are brave because you are mine. You are mine."

Jesus never promised easy.
He never promised we'd always love the Christian walk and all it entails.
He never promised the world would go soft on us.
He never promised the enemy would stop fighting to entrap our hearts.

Take heart, for He has overcome the world.
Take heart, for He has overcome the addictions only you know about.
Take heart, for you are worth far more than many sparrows.
I know my past is real.
I know my struggle is real.
But I know Daddy's here.

Romans 8:1-4 (NIV)
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, [2] because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. [3] For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, [4] in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.

Bad Hair Days and Eternal Things

Ugh, my hair just never looks right.

Why don't any of my shirts look good on me?

Why is my skin so pale when my friends are tan?

Why do I have no curves?

Why can't I just look like _____ or ______?

Why am I focusing on the physical things and not the eternal things?

Sometimes God gives women a heart check concerning our high emphasis on the physical things and not the eternal things.

To preface this blog, I am by no means saying a woman shouldn't wear make up or fix their hair in the morning or heaven forbid not wear deodorant: I am saying that often as women, we focus all of our attention on how we appear to the world physically versus spiritually.

I am the guiltiest of all concerning this, which is why I felt the need to blog about it. God heart checked me recently on how much I pick His creation a part. It's been drilled into my brain over and over again that "God doesn't make trash," and apparently that's supposed to cure the Christian woman's struggle with self image.

It doesn't.

Every woman has to have an encounter with Christ on this issue to truly realize the magnitude of what a problem focusing too much on physical appearance really is.
It may be when a woman is 15 or 50.
It may be over how she hates her curly stringy hair or how she thinks her breasts are small deflated balloons.
But by golly, every Christian woman will get heart checked by God at some point in their walk and realize, "Wow...have I really been focused on the wrong things this long? Am I really so concerned with the way my thighs look in jeans that I've become consumed with body image and jealousy? What eternal things could I have been spending all this thought and energy on that I've wasted on self pity over my looks?"

Many people do not and may not ever view this as an issue.
I do.
It's very near and dear to my heart when I see a woman, not just a young woman, pick themselves a part piece by piece because they are unsatisfied with their looks.

You may have a thousand people call you beautiful in a day, but if you don't see yourself the way your Creator made you, you will never ever be satisfied or pleased with your reflection. 

I'm no genius. I'm no therapist. But I am a young woman who has battled with her physical appearance since adolescence.

God says, "ENOUGH!"
God says, "PEACE!"

My spirit has been checked.
Where have I been making investments mentally?
Have I been focusing on all the things I need to change about myself to be physically appealing and for my flesh to be satisfied with itself too much and not enough on changing what's ugly on the INSIDE?

A bad hair day won't rob you of Jesus, ladies.

A heart that is lost and chasing after physical beauty instead of inner beauty...that mindset will rob you.

It will rob you of your joy, your confidence, your relationships and your true beauty.

Should we take care of the body our Lord gave us ?
ABSOLUTELY.

I love being fit and healthy.
I believe God desires us to be the best we can be in all areas including our health.
Just like we can focus too much on our appearance we can become out of balance and not focus enough.
We should cherish what God gave us and treat it with love and respect.

Will women struggle with confidence?
Yes.
Will Christian women still have days where they just wish they could change this or that about their body?
Yes.
Do we have to live inside the prisons we have made for ourselves concerning broken body images?
NO.
Must we continue to feel like failures because we don't measure up to our idea of perfection physically?
NO.

Make eternal investments.
Focus on being kingdom-minded.
Change the ugly on the inside not what you view as ugly on the outside.

A truly beautiful woman is a meek, modest, confident, humble, gracious, prayed up woman.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30  1 Peter 3:3-4  Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. Psalm 139:14  I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. Proverbs 31:25  Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.

Loving Jesus and Hating the Church.

"I hate religion."


How many times have we heard this used amongst church goers?
What does this even mean?


I think what people, well I, mean when this is said is...well, more plainly put:
I hate that the CHURCH has become another place of laws and not love.

Ha, I am sure right now you are mentally defending YOUR church.
"Not MY church! We welcome anyone and are all about relationships and loving people!"

Oh, really?
Is your church heavily involved in the culture war?
Oh, really?
Is your church okay with members SUPPORTING Obama?
Wait, let me rephrase that.
Is your church not just okay with that, but do they refrain from rude political comments to democrats?
Oh...well, that's different.
Christians are supposed to be conservative republicans! It's the biblical/American way you know!
No, I DO NOT know.

Oh yeah, back to the main issue.

Does your church welcome GAY people with gracious arms?

Did you hear more about the Chik-fil-a debacle than Jesus this morning?
Oh...but that's different.
Being homosexual is a SIN and gay people are ruining the country and staining the true church and it's values!
Just look at them demanding their rights and stuff.

Ha. Don't make me laugh, church.
The gays are NOT staining the church, you are.

We do not demonstrate love and acceptance.
Did I say to tell the gays that they're right and you AGREE with everything they do?
No.
The gays aren't asking for this either.
They're just asking you to look in the mirror before shoving principles down their throats.

How come I never hear a sermon on gluttony?
How come I never hear a preacher speak on the issue of obesity/overweight members of the church?
Guess what, gluttony is among the same list as homosexuality.

1 Corinthians 6:9-10 - "Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God." (NIV).

(ouch)



Is this blog strictly about the mistreatment of gays by the "church"?
No.

It's about the root issue here.
The church knows not love or grace.

I know this may, excuse my french, piss some people off, but Jesus would be hanging out with the homosexuals if He walked the earth today.
He would be hanging out with the prostitutes.
He would be hanging out with the potheads.
He would be hanging out with all the people we see walk through the church doors on Sunday, shaking our heads exclaiming, "What are THEY doing here? THEY don't belong here. Do you know what they DO?"
Whoa whoa whoa, she said WHAT?

Yeah, you heard me right.
Jesus hung out with the groups that the church would not touch.
Jesus hung out with the groups the religious leaders pointed their fingers at.
Jesus hung out with the groups the snooty holier than thou church-goers wouldn't share their pew with.


Luke 5:31-32, "It is not those who are well who need a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but to call sinners to repentance." 




Accept it or not, you're a sinner.
I'm a big ol fat sinner.

I've lied.
I've cheated in life.
I've committed gluttony.
I've been selfish.
I've been greedy.
I've disrespected my parents.
I've been so blinded by my own 2x4 plank in my eye that I couldn't see my own sin but felt led to point out why everyone else shouldn't be worshipping on Sunday morning because they did (whatever sin) last night.

The church should be like a big serving of that mystery meat they serve in the cafeteria lunch line.
It's made of a lot of random ingredients.

It is not up to the church to say what "brand" of sinners should be allowed to worship Jesus.

Liars, prostitutes, gluttons, gays.
Sinners.

Should we sit in our sin and refuse to move from it simply because God is gracious?
No.
Should we refrain from attending the church and praising our King because we are sinners?
No.
Should we EVER tell a person, "You are not welcome in God's house because you are a ______"?
No.




"You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. Now we know that God’s judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. So when you, a mere human being, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God’s judgment? Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance? "

Romans 2:1-4

Planes

Planes I've always been afraid of flying.  When I was little my mother used to give me chewing gum and coloring books to distract my wandering mind from escaping out the plane window, contemplating all the treacherous possibilities of what could come to pass. Recently, as many of you already know, God has confirmed my call to become a missionary.  So here I am, on the plane to see my best friend, and God has once again whispered His sweet promises to me on this short flight.  When we want something, when we love something, we will take on almost any fear to possess it. We will climb onto a small cheap looking plane filled with strangers, hands shaking and legs cramped up to get to someone we love.  We take risks.  We act out of faith that we will reach our destination. We become capable of things we once thought were ridiculous and scary and crazy. No, I'm not really talking about flying today.   I'm talking about taking that leap, that fateful jump into the unknown to do something we want to do so badly. I'm talking about pure faith; In yourself, in God and others that will help along the way to make the journey possible.  Im relying on my pilot to get me to my destination safely. I'm relying that he has had the training necessary to get me where I need to go. I'm floating thousands of feet in the air with a flimsy oxygen mask and a seat that can supposedly be used as a "flotation device."  I'm sure if my plane caught on fire from here to Charlotte, there'd be no water whatsoever to break the fall.  I'm helpless. For someone who is a control freak and wants to know what she's doing and when she's doing it for every second of every day months in advance, being out of control is a little difficult to grasp.  I'm the kid that asks the dude controlling the ride at the fair "Hey mister, do I control my own speed?"  Of course the typical buck-toothed sweaty middle aged man looks back at me and laughs, responding: "yeah kid. Sure."  He lied.  I was in third grade and I puked all over that fair ride...glaring at his sweaty face on the way out. I never ride fair rides ANYMORE. Getting on a poorly made spinning ride where I have no control over the speed or if my teeth fly out of my head isn't my idea of fun. I'm the friend that sits outside of roller coasters and says "I'll wait out here for you guys. Have fun." I'm the girl that says "I don't think that's a good idea. Let's stay home and watch the Golden Girls instead." But I'm putting myself out there today. I'm trusting in the faceless pilot I'll never see.  I'm trusting in the engine of the plane that I have no idea the workings of. I'm trusting in the strangers by the exit door to help me before they help themselves if something were to happen. I'm trusting in the silent man in seat 10D to help me with my oxygen mask when my fingers are fumbling all over the place.  Im willing to put my life in a human's hand I'll never shake, yet when it comes to putting my life in the Creator of the Universe's hand...I step back and think twice.  I love Jesus so much.  I am so in love with Him and His grace. I am so  beyond head over heels in love with the people God has called me to love and know and share of God's mercy to.  But I am afraid.  I have little faith. I question much and trust little. My fear to put my trust in Jesus and to rely on him to be my Pilot is so very scary.  God is the "faceless Pilot" at times.  Sometimes I find myself asking God for a resume of experience and a list of prior knowledge.  I find myself interviewing the Maker of the stars to see if He's "qualified" enough to fly this plane.  I've been the pilot for so long, I'm not sure if I'm ready to hand the controls over to Him.  I say "What if...?" God says "trust in Me." I say "Can I control how fast this goes?" God says "let Me take over." I say "I am afraid of what I can not know or control." God says "Fear not!" I say "Can we do this my way?" God says "not your will but Mine!" Who am I, Lord?  Who am I to question the Artist of the Heavens? Who am I to set foot on Your mission field with so little faith? Who am I to possess Your love? Who am I to be touched by the hem of Your grace? I am nobody.  It's funny how God uses the simple things to communicate the difficult things.  It's funny how God uses small people to show how big He is.  I'll never understand why God has picked someone so low and doubting. I'll never understand why God is willing to continuously prove Himself faithful over and over with such grace. God does not owe me explanation or proof. God does not owe me my demands. God does not owe me His resume. God owes me nothing because I am nothing. But God gives me everything because He is everything.  He is a merciful and gracious God that longs for my heart even more than I do for His, yet He still pursues it all the more.