Planes

Planes I've always been afraid of flying.  When I was little my mother used to give me chewing gum and coloring books to distract my wandering mind from escaping out the plane window, contemplating all the treacherous possibilities of what could come to pass. Recently, as many of you already know, God has confirmed my call to become a missionary.  So here I am, on the plane to see my best friend, and God has once again whispered His sweet promises to me on this short flight.  When we want something, when we love something, we will take on almost any fear to possess it. We will climb onto a small cheap looking plane filled with strangers, hands shaking and legs cramped up to get to someone we love.  We take risks.  We act out of faith that we will reach our destination. We become capable of things we once thought were ridiculous and scary and crazy. No, I'm not really talking about flying today.   I'm talking about taking that leap, that fateful jump into the unknown to do something we want to do so badly. I'm talking about pure faith; In yourself, in God and others that will help along the way to make the journey possible.  Im relying on my pilot to get me to my destination safely. I'm relying that he has had the training necessary to get me where I need to go. I'm floating thousands of feet in the air with a flimsy oxygen mask and a seat that can supposedly be used as a "flotation device."  I'm sure if my plane caught on fire from here to Charlotte, there'd be no water whatsoever to break the fall.  I'm helpless. For someone who is a control freak and wants to know what she's doing and when she's doing it for every second of every day months in advance, being out of control is a little difficult to grasp.  I'm the kid that asks the dude controlling the ride at the fair "Hey mister, do I control my own speed?"  Of course the typical buck-toothed sweaty middle aged man looks back at me and laughs, responding: "yeah kid. Sure."  He lied.  I was in third grade and I puked all over that fair ride...glaring at his sweaty face on the way out. I never ride fair rides ANYMORE. Getting on a poorly made spinning ride where I have no control over the speed or if my teeth fly out of my head isn't my idea of fun. I'm the friend that sits outside of roller coasters and says "I'll wait out here for you guys. Have fun." I'm the girl that says "I don't think that's a good idea. Let's stay home and watch the Golden Girls instead." But I'm putting myself out there today. I'm trusting in the faceless pilot I'll never see.  I'm trusting in the engine of the plane that I have no idea the workings of. I'm trusting in the strangers by the exit door to help me before they help themselves if something were to happen. I'm trusting in the silent man in seat 10D to help me with my oxygen mask when my fingers are fumbling all over the place.  Im willing to put my life in a human's hand I'll never shake, yet when it comes to putting my life in the Creator of the Universe's hand...I step back and think twice.  I love Jesus so much.  I am so in love with Him and His grace. I am so  beyond head over heels in love with the people God has called me to love and know and share of God's mercy to.  But I am afraid.  I have little faith. I question much and trust little. My fear to put my trust in Jesus and to rely on him to be my Pilot is so very scary.  God is the "faceless Pilot" at times.  Sometimes I find myself asking God for a resume of experience and a list of prior knowledge.  I find myself interviewing the Maker of the stars to see if He's "qualified" enough to fly this plane.  I've been the pilot for so long, I'm not sure if I'm ready to hand the controls over to Him.  I say "What if...?" God says "trust in Me." I say "Can I control how fast this goes?" God says "let Me take over." I say "I am afraid of what I can not know or control." God says "Fear not!" I say "Can we do this my way?" God says "not your will but Mine!" Who am I, Lord?  Who am I to question the Artist of the Heavens? Who am I to set foot on Your mission field with so little faith? Who am I to possess Your love? Who am I to be touched by the hem of Your grace? I am nobody.  It's funny how God uses the simple things to communicate the difficult things.  It's funny how God uses small people to show how big He is.  I'll never understand why God has picked someone so low and doubting. I'll never understand why God is willing to continuously prove Himself faithful over and over with such grace. God does not owe me explanation or proof. God does not owe me my demands. God does not owe me His resume. God owes me nothing because I am nothing. But God gives me everything because He is everything.  He is a merciful and gracious God that longs for my heart even more than I do for His, yet He still pursues it all the more.