A Blog. A Toast.

 I know I'm not alone in saying that I have those days when I find myself asking, "Who the heck am I? When did my life completely change? When did I stop being 17?"
In the past week I've seen many faces from my past and if I haven't actually seen their face in person, they've bombarded my dreams in the night.
Some of these people I miss, well, in all honestly, I miss all of them...but I miss THEM, not who they are presently. I miss the person they were when I laughed in the highschool hallway with them, the person they were when we would stay up late at night playing, " For a million dollars would you...?"
I hate that life has changed. I absolutely hate it because I've lost a lot of amazing people in the last few years.
But then I feel extremely selfish...because I remember all the great things that have happened to me these last few years and the new people that have entered my life.
Courtney.
A lot of people probably wonder, " why are they so 'obsessed' with eachother? " Maybe if you knew what we knew...you would understand for a split second what our friendship actually is. Our friendship happened exactly where we both needed it to happen. Courtney's parents were moving and I was fixing to go through some extremely rough crap. Serious crap.
God plucked us up, uprooted us, and bumped us into each other. We just...clicked. Our senior year was a roller coaster. We had an amazing time with one another, but we also had to drive out to a field a couple of times and hash out a fight or two. You think I'm kidding.
We stayed up late, painted our toe nails, and laughed at things only we knew.
We would go for drives when one of our hearts got broken, singing country love songs to the top of our lungs, hair blowing in the wind...in that old piece of crap convertible she had back in high school.
Slushies, walmart, that tanning phase we went through.
Secrets, heart ache, self image issues. Welcome to high school folks...
but we luckily survived. We walked across that large stage not knowing what that night would mean for us.
Senior summer flew by so quick I couldn't hold onto one morsel of it.
I still remember that day we hugged goodbye as I left for a year in Alabama. I waved goodbye to that girl who had grown to be my sister those last two years.
That was a rough year apart. It was hell.
This was the year that me and Courtney grew in a way I never knew was possible. Our friendship blossomed as my childhood died along with the era me and Courtney thrived in.
I'm a strong, never gonna see me cry kinda girl...but when I reflect on that year, my entire spirit breaks.
I lost myself, I lost respect, I lost friends.
I cried myself to sleep night after night.
But there was one girl who drove her butt 6 hours to Alabama the moment she knew my life had just flipped upside down.
I still remember her banging on my apartment door in Birmingham. I still remember sitting in the car with her, leaning over my steering wheel sobbing like life was at it's end.
She hugged me.
And cried too.
She called people names who rejected me.
She never once said, "What were you thinking?! I can't believe you!"
She never once corrected me, slandered me, or scolded me.
She loved me.
She said..."Let's go get slushies and paint our nails."
And things got better...with years.
She was there to dye her hair half pink with me.
And go through that Yoga phase with me.
She was there to make me dance in the car when I really just wanted to punch someone in the face.
She was there for all the family Oklahoma trips.
I was there when she wanted to throw her phone out the window that one time on the freeway.
I was there when she liked that boy, or that one...
I was there when she probably didnt even want me to be.
I've always been there fighting for her, sometimes against her, but always with her...
With every change and phase I've gone through, God has designed her to change and morph with me.
We've gone through bad hair cuts together.
We've gone through break ups together.
We've gone through failure together.
But we're the only ones who have looked at each other's biggest mistake and said, " so what? I'm still your best friend. Let's keep going."
There have been many times that Courtney had carried me on her back and not known it...but I did. And God did.
When I need slack, she gives it.
When she needs it, I give.
She's the only friend I've ever let in to see my brokenness.
The only one that's worked hard enough to see into my heart that I finally gave in .
Courtney can break me with one "It's okay" hug.
Courtney can make me laugh with one joke.
No matter how long this blog is, or how many stories of hurt or happiness I tell you...
Nobody will probably ever get the bond we have.
It's confusing even when I try to grasp it.
But I know what is, I know what God designed when He thought to put Courtney into my life...
was incredible.
And I needed it.
And I still do.
We've faced fire, and I'm sure the fire just keeps going as life keeps trucking.
But the most comforting feeling...is that when I'm 30, 40, 50, 105...Courtney will be there to give me a "It's okay" hug and go get a slushie with me.


I love you Courtney.