We all have dreams; silly dreams, bad dreams, good dreams, vivid dreams.
I also believe we all have callings; there is a fine line between these dreams and callings to the naked eye, but such a thick and heavy divider in the heart.
There are also the shallow hintings of what we think is a calling, but is really just a flutter of the stomach at the thought of a greatness or goal we would love to achieve but are not actually meant to fulfill.
What IS a calling? Webster defines a "calling" a strong inner impulse toward a particular course of action especially when accompanied by conviction of divine influence.
For a long time I had a specific calling on my life, but instead of doing what many individuals do, convincing themselves they've heard from God and are called to do a specific action...I ran from it.
I convinced myself that I wasn't called, I just was psyching myself up with butterflies and dreams too big for a small girl to wear. I have told very few, well one person about this experience that happened 5 years ago, almost 5 years ago to the date.
My youth group made a trip to Caracas, Venezuela and at night we would have a worship service outside with the orphan children and workers in the dirt. My heart was very empty and I wanted God to fill it up so much...I wanted God to tell me what He wanted from me. We sang songs, lifted hands, and during worship one of the church leaders in Caracas prophesied to my dearest friends on the left and right of me. When he looked into my big green eyes, music blaring all around me, all I could think and hope was, " This is it! God is going to reveal His plan to me! Finally! It's my TURN!" But, nothing of that nature happened. The man turned to me, looked in my eyes filling with alligator tears and bowed his head and turned away.
My heart immediately shattered into a million pieces. What? How could this be? Both my best friends were just told of all the amazing things God was going to do through them, how could I have nothing to offer? Why didn't I have a purpose, calling, prophesy?! My anxiousness and joy turned to extreme bitterness.
I became hard-hearted towards the mission field and everything that went with that night. How could God abandon me like that? How embarrassing...all my friends were going to do BIG, i mean BIG things for Christ...and what was left for me? Become a house wife with three screaming toddlers tugging at my oversized t-shirt? Picking up goldfish off my dining room floor after I worked my 8-5 desk job?
No, that couldn't be right. That was not for me. Sure, that life IS some people's calling, and they do much more beautifully at it then I ever could...but I knew, I've always known, settling down was NOT my calling. Fine, I'd do things on my own terms and make a big life for myself without God's input!
Wrong.
Wrong.
Wrong.
I ran from missions. I ran from God. I tried to fit my feet into the shoes of a school teacher like many of the wonderful women in my family...that shoe didn't fit.
I tried to fit my feet into the shoes of a creative artist/photographer! That has to be it!
Wrong, those shoes didn't fit either.
Finally, I stopped running from God and what He wanted to finally say.
I went on a week of just me and God. Journaling and praying were all I did all week.
I made my life so quiet all I could do was listen.
A fire was lit that week in my spirit, a fire for missions. The spark was already there from when I was younger. My mother had told me of how when I was younger I had tugged on her arm and told her I was going to be a missionary one day. I still have a wrinkled up photo of a visiting missionary that spoke to me in children's church when I was merely 5 years old.
God took that spark and made a firework show of it. I've never felt more passionate and alive than I did when God gripped my spirit and showed me the love I am capable of on the mission field.
....Me?
No way...I'm a 5'2 skinny wimp of a girl that has no connections, anxiety attacks and asthma. I'm a dorky and "safe" girl.
What the heck can I do over there with those children?
I am nothing.
I am unqualified.
I am fearful.
I am small.
My talent is of filthy rags.
There are far more qualified people to step foot on the mission field than me, but God called me anyway and He will qualify me with time.
It took five years for me to realize why that man walked away that night. I was not ready to know.
I thought I was ready to hear and know what calling God had placed on my life that night...hands sweating, feet tapping the dirt...just waiting to hear what great things I was going to do with my life!
Whoah....there was my problem.
I was wanting to hear what BRITNEY was going to do with BRITNEY'S life.
God knew I was not ready because I still was Britney-minded, not kingdom-minded.
I was too immature spiritually and in my heart for God to work in me.
God had to break my heart in order to put it back together the way He intended my heart to actually be.
God has called me to the mission field far from home. I am so very afraid of what is to come because I know it is so much bigger than what I could ever do...but God relentlessly and continuously covers me in His rest and peace that He is with me and that none of this has to do with MY capabilities but His.
God continues to send me confirmation of my calling over and over again. Just this week God used a dear friend to confirm the call again without her even knowing it...but I knew.
I am more afraid of staying here and in this sedentary life than I am any form of tragedy or death that comes with the call to missions.
When I talk to someone about what God is doing in my heart and the love I already have for the people I will encounter when I go in God's timing, my heart just bursts with joy! I am so overwhelmed with love for these people I can not help but cry tears of excitement.
I know to the outside world it might sound crazy that I don't even know the place God has called me to go to yet, but I love it and the people there already.
It all sounds a little crazy and a little impossible, but that's why it's a God thing and not a Britney thing.
My name is Britney and my calling is missions.
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