I grew up in the 90's and though didn't reach my teenage years until early 2000's, I was raised in the prime stomping ground era of the "Kissing Dating Goodbye"/purity ring craze. I cringe when I tell people, but I was even on an "Abstinence Only" church team that went to the nearby public schools and put on skits.
You know the ones. The crying girl ripping petals from a wilted rose. The pubescent and pimply faced kids lined up in white t-shirts (not sexually active) against the black t-shirts (sexually active).
I am embarrassed and mortified looking back on it, honestly. To think I possibly played a part in a young female (or even male) believing she or he was damaged because of a sexual act that might not even have been their choice makes me ill.
It's a hard balance when you're a Christian and do believe that sex is best when kept in the marriage bed. I firmly believe that the most blessing comes in these circumstances, but I also have become more aware of the world, the culture, the statistics concerning abstinence only teaching/programs and the harm they have caused on those I know and the continuing generation.
Before I go further-know that I believe in aiming to teach our children to be smart, to be ready and to be educated in the aftermath that sex can bring when had with the wrong person and before they are mentally/physically/emotionally ready. It can bring brokenness, so much brokenness to both parties. Yet, to educate about sex we must really educate, not close the blinds and turn our eyes away, slapping purity rings on our children or ourselves.
The abstinence only reign that began in the early 90's was brought on by Joshua Harris (just a child himself at the time), author of "Kissing Dating Goodbye", a popular book that encouraged evangelical Christians to only date with the intent to marry the person, pledging abstinence and insinuating that those who had sex outside the realms of marriage were tainted. This is where my embarrassing white t-shirt days came in. Fathers were watching their daughters sign "no dating/sex covenants" and teens were sporting their purity rings. Unfortunately, the abstinence only program only brought one message and never educated this generation on anything but "don't have sex." Not only did this lead to complete ignorance in regards to sex, a huge gap in our sex education throughout schools and the home, but confused and guilt-ridden adults. Many either fit into one of two categories:
1. Those who didn't save themselves for marriage, often ridden with guilt and shame for decades even after marriage. (You can now find testimonials online of those hurt by Harris' book.)
2. Those who did save themselves for marriage, often leading to broken marriages and unsatisfaction in the bedroom because they too are ridden with shame because the idea that sex is dirty/forbidden is so ingrained in them that they can't bare to have a healthy sex life with their spouse.
Many marriages also struggled because this movement encouraged young people to not "date around", throwing out the idea that if you dated someone, they should be the person you married. This led to many young people marrying the very first person they really dated (me included), only leading to heartache down the road when they realize they were only children when they married one another, but because they "saved themselves" for one another-everything would be triply blessed and wonderful.
Also, as someone who was raised in the evangelical church and never experienced sex education, I was led to believe that any sexual encounter was like the white t-shirted teenager plucking a petal from my rose, that even my rape was something to be ashamed of, something that broke me and I deserved guilt and someone else who was broken/tainted. This led to years of hiding sexual assault from friends and family, leading to depression and anxiety. I felt that the only thing as a woman I had to offer my future spouse was my virginity, that my body was the ultimate gift.
I am obviously an advocate that your body is your own and have spent years rebuilding myself after burning "Kissing Dating Goodbye" and taking courses to educate myself as much as possible on human sexuality and the dangers of not teaching abstinence (I don't think this is bad, per-say), but teaching ONLY abstinence, refusing to give our young people the information and tools to be as safe and healthy as possible in all realms of life.
It is also ironic to note that Harris is now re-evaluating many of the claims he made in his purity-themed books now that he has quit his high paying job and started to continue his education! He is now a father of teenagers and asking people affected by his books to reach out so that he might discuss/sort-of (emphasis on sort-of) apologize for the massacre that ensued after their publishing.
This is not a blog that is telling you to tell your kids to go off and have sex. This is a cry to my generation that was raised in the abstinence-only era, but now has access to so many resources to educate our own children, to re-evaluate how sex was presented to you and how you really want to present it to this generation. I don't want this generation to be as clueless as ours was and afraid to ask questions (especially of their parents). I want this generation to have open communication about their bodies, not to hide in shame. I want this generation to speak up about sexual assault/abuse. I want this generation to realize that they have more to offer than their bodies-now that is a message that can change the world of so many young people.
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