As a foster parent, I try to share both the good and bad of our journey, because that's what it is. Many times, foster parents cannot share much detail due to protection of the children in their care.
This protection is needed, but it often leaves potential foster parents unsure and unaware of what foster parenting really looks like and what it will change for their lives/family.
I've made a list of things potential foster parents may normally not consider before making the leap, because friends, it is a journey that is worth it and one that must be traveled to those called to it, but listen-
if you are not truly called to be a foster parent, it could wreck you if you do it anyway.
It is grueling and it will turn your life upside down.
If foster parenting is for you, you will weather this darkness because it is your calling, your destiny and you might just change a kid's life.
Here it goes:
1. Nothing is private.
Nope. Nothing. You can't just raise your hand and become a foster parent. You go through extensive training and checks before they say, "okay, you're fit for this." Everything you've done, what your parents have done, history, employment, debt, all finances, what have you-it's all there, laid out and bare for the system to assess. We went through hours of home visits, each of us just sitting and spilling out our entire history, our relationships with one another and also family, etc. to a stranger.
Aside from the process to get approved, once you have a new child in your home-your privacy will diminish. I think many people assume the child will be just like theirs, which are moderately uninterested in you to be honest. No-you will come home to bedroom drawers gone through, papers shuffled, out of curiosity, and understandably. They will listen outside your door, out of innocence, but your pillow talk is no longer an A-B conversation and you must always be aware of this. J and I often steal time in the car returning movies, etc. so we can have a private conversation. (Also, we may or may not have a secret stash locked away of snacks because sometimes those disappear too! SHHH.)
2. Your schedule is negotiable now.
Jarrod and I are both type A personalities, so this one is still jarring to us. You will have meetings sprung on you with minutes to spare, sometimes AT YOUR HOUSE. You will be unprepared mentally, emotionally and yeah, those dirty dishes in the sink...throw a towel over them because someone is about to bust up in your house in 5 minutes! This would be hard for anyone, but especially two full-time working parents who rush home to get dinner started, much less pull up in the driveway to a worker already walking up to their door to inspect their life.
You do not only add a child to your schedule, but also every appointment that they will need you to take them to-
FST meetings, house calls, worker visits, therapy sessions, chaffee worker visits, and quarterly visits. If you have other children in the household, they all have their own commitments as well, so make sure you are ready to re-arrange your schedule at any moment. Not flexible? Get ready, darling-you have to be.
3. There will be bad days.
I know, you're probably rolling your eyes because you know what a bad day is, you have kids, okay? Unfortunately, these bad days, or weeks, aren't the same with the children placed in your home. They have been through some traumatic and unique things, and despite your background, you probably haven't dealt with it exactly like they have. Every child is different. Sometimes you will be able to pinpoint the trigger, but others- you will have no idea. One day you will feel on top of the world, like barriers are broken and the next you're sitting on her bed because she's withdrawn, sobbing, unable to communicate why she's hurting.
Jarrod and I explain making progress in foster care as-one step forward, two steps back, sometimes 36 steps back, depending on the day.
4. No, it won't make your finances soar.
Unfortunately, people have this conception that being a foster parent pays an amazing amount of money.
Firstly, if you're doing it for the money, run away, because your heart is not in the right place and you are about to be mightily disappointed, friend. Missouri is next to last in pay, just in case you were wondering. If you ARE in this realm of thinking, though I'd hope not, know that you will most likely end up paying out more than you are receiving. In our case, we don't just have an extra child, we have a teen, which comes with more expenses than you'd imagine until you really sit down to add it all up-food, toiletries, hygiene products (GIRLS!!!!!), clothes, etc. Each time you go to the movies-one more ticket. Each time you decide to go out to eat-one more entree. Not to mention, future car, etc. It adds up, so the system tries to help foster parents as much as they can by giving some money because they know we are going to take a mighty hit to the wallet, but usually, it never ends up being a bonus, especially if the foster parent is providing the care truly needed.
5. You are now at war.
Foster parenting is not a fairy tale. I want you to know this, as a prospective foster parent, because you need to see the full movie, not just the highlight reel. I care about you and all of the foster kids in the system right now to sugar coat the truth, because these kids deserve permanency in some fashion. Too many people fantasize about foster parenting/adoption, oftentimes glamorizing it, so much to the point that when they get knee deep into it, they bail because it's harder than they expected, leaving a child to bounce around from home to home, their life constantly in a trash bag.
Your family is now under fire.
Your marriage is now under fire.
You are at war and you must surround yourself with support, a tribe of people who may not understand your foster parent journey, but are there to listen, to step in the ditches with you and dig by your side.
Foster parenting is not for everyone, and you have to realize that that's okay. There is no reason to feel guilt over not taking in foster children, because we all play a special part in this system. Maybe you're meant to just hop in the ditch and help dig beside your friend who is on this journey. Maybe you're meant to just be a prayer partner for foster parents and the children in their care. From the foster parents to the friends who simply text us to say, "hey, update me. I'm here to listen", all are pieces to this puzzle that MUST be put together. We love our ditch diggers, our support system to the max. You keep us going.
6. It's worth it.
If you and your partner are called to foster (both must be on board for this to work!), this journey is worth it, friend. It is hard, so hard, but man, is it worth it when my kid laughs at the dinner table, or jokes with her brothers, or talks about being a part of our family and I can just see the relief/safety cover her face, a face once covered in uncertainty.
Yes, there are hard truths to foster parenting. Yes, there are hard days to foster parenting. I cannot prepare you fully in one blog for what lies ahead for you on your journey, because it won't look just like mine.
But, there are good days. There are breakthroughs. There are laughter and tears and breaking of walls and tearing down of shame and guilt and discovering of light and hope all at once.
It is terrifying and beautiful and I love this crazy journey with my husband and boys and now I could never imagine my life without our girl.
“Sometimes our work as caregivers is not for the faint of heart. But, you will never know what you are made of until you step into the fire. Step bravely!” ― Deborah A. Beasley
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